Postpartum Depression

 

It took my breath away when we drove away. 

Some of my darkest days were spent in this little house.

When we pulled into the driveway all I could think about was the postpartum depression that swallowed me up. 

That’s why there is a big age gap between our third and fourth son. I was scared I would have PPD again. I didn’t have it after our fourth son was born but I did have depression after our fifth child miscarried at 4 months.

I didn’t talk about it while I was walking through it. I didn’t really know that’s what it was for a long time. 

But I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, but I was still breastfeeding my newborn baby.  

I know where I went wrong. And now that I’ve been through and studied health and wellness there are things I would tell young mothers so they don’t have to suffer like I did. 

Instead of having my third baby and going home to rest and let family help take care of me, the house, and the two other little boys we had, I took them all on a trip from Georgia to Kentucky where my husband was preaching a week long revival and we went to every service. I started exercising and doing squats because I felt so great after my third natural childbirth that I was determined to be Superwoman. Until I wasn’t. The doctors cautioned me about traveling that soon after giving birth but I felt great so off I went. 

We got back home and the rest is kind of a fog. I just thought I was sick with something because I was having chest pains and weird symptoms. The doctors kept telling me I was fine but I wasn’t fine. Anxiety can turn into a monster if you don’t know what it is or how to manage it. And by monster I mean it took away my laugh, my smile, my energy and my motivation for life. I didn’t enjoy anything anymore and I never went anywhere except church. I didn’t even go outside. Only a handful of family members knew I was suffering. 

Oneday I was at my inlaws house & I had a sharp chest pain so I asked her to take me to urgent care. I began to list my odd symptoms to this doctor and he said, “You have postpartum depression. I only know this because my wife had it. She had it so bad that we aren’t having more children.”

I was sad for him, but happy to have a diagnoses. He didn’t tell me I needed medicine. He told me to eat protein and make myself eat. He told me to get outside and walk around the house. It was winter and it happened to snow in Georgia that year but John made me walk around that house 3 times everyday. It was harder than the natural childbirth. I complained while at the same time I could start to feel a breakthrough in my movement. I bought a chamomile tincture and used St. john’s Wort as well. This was before I knew about plexus.  

My husband had also been in a serious hunting accident where he could have lost his life or his arm but God spared him. He was in a sling trying to take care of a 2 and 4 year old and me and a baby on the small income of an evangelist. We were also under the discipline of the Lord because we were out of Gods will during this time. We were supposed to be in Kentucky and the Lord used this discipline to wake us up and get us back on track with His will for our life. We did move back to Kentucky to finish our ministry there. “God disciplines those He loves” (Hebrews 12:6). We did meet some sweet friends who lived next door during this horrific time in my life. 

The Bible talks about boasting in our weaknesses and this has definitely been one of mine. I only share it to help others see there is hope on the other side. But you have to walk through it, don’t escape it. 

Lament, pray and ask God the tough questions and then read His Word and listen to the Holy Spirit. 

Rest, eat healthy, walk, see doctors until you find one who helps and see a good christian therapist too! 

During the postpartum depression I had 15 years ago my father in law would come visit and just sit with me and say, “This too shall pass.” 

At the time, I had no words, no emotions, and nothing worth writing down…but I felt the Lord nudging me to write this a few days ago. Here it is Lord, my weakness & your strength. 

(I also wrote a book about how to deal with depression and anxiety called Walk without Fear on amazon.)

#ppd #postpartum #postpartumjourney #postpartumsupport #depression #anxiety #mystory