Not how I planned it...

 

Everything about my life right now is not how I planned it. That doesn’t mean I don’t like it. It’s just funny how when you surrender your life to God, He takes you to places you never thought you would go. 

I never thought I would leave Oconee County in Georgia. I loved living there. But we have lived in Kentucky and West Virginia and Cleveland, Georgia throughout the years. 

I said I would never marry a guy from Oconee but I did. I thought I would go to the University of Georgia and try out for the cheerleading squad there. Instead I felt led to go to a Bible College in North Georgia where I met my husband (who was from Oconee County). I went to school from Kindergarten through 12th grade with his little brother who was my age, but I had never met John until Bible College. Only God knew. 

I didn’t see myself as a kid person and didn’t want to have kids right away…but God changed our minds. At 22 years old I was pregnant with our firstborn and then we had lots more. Four boys and some miscarriages made me a mother. 

I never ever thought I would homeschool my kids. Only weird people do that. We are weird. We have homeschooled almost the whole time except for a year and a half in christian school. Our oldest is 16 now. 

I never thought I would be a Pastor’s wife for 17 years until I had that vision about it when we were newlyweds. 

And then I never thought I wouldn’t be a Pastor’s wife. This one I’m still walking through as my husband just resigned a few months ago. Goodness I think I’ve had a midlife crisis and identity crisis all at the same time. I’m 38 years old and I feel like we are starting all over.  We have always been in full time ministry with a handful of side odd jobs from time to time. But this is a first…me working a job from home and him working a job that’s not “ministry” if you catch my drift. I know you can argue that anything is ministry. But if you’ve never been a full time pastor or church planter you don’t understand. I love you, but you don’t understand. That’s why when I would meet other Pastor’s wives it was like we just knew what each other had been through and could relate without even saying anything. 

The day John resigned from pastoring I felt like I stepped off a cliff and I was free-falling through the air not sure where I would land. After a counseling session as we were driving home, I could pinpoint how I felt. Terrified. I felt terrified. I didn’t know what our next step was.  My husband needed a sabbatical, a rest, a break from the constant pressure of pastoring and church planting and all the church junk he had been through. But I didn’t need a sabbatical. I was happy and enjoying teaching Sunday School and getting excited about Easter and VBS. You see, I had taken time to rest when I was pregnant with our fourth son when he was in the heat of the battle at church. I was excited and ready to serve, but he was exhausted and weary. It was strange to be in two different places like that. And I got mad at him for it actually. Even though it wasn’t really his fault I guess. When he needed the most love and grace from me I couldn’t give it because I was mad and angry with him. I felt like he messed up our life. Ha. Sometimes it’s God who rips the rug out from under us to get us back dependent on Him. 

Have you ever felt like that? I would love to hear from you!

If you want more details of my story check out my first book Walk by Faith where I tell it ALL.  

If you battle depression and anxiety like I have then read my second book Walk without Fear. 

My husband and I have written numerous books together which are on www.beboldbebrave.org and Amazon!  

Find me on Facebook and join my free community! 

Brandi Beck Smith